{"id":2960,"date":"2024-04-24T15:28:09","date_gmt":"2024-04-24T15:28:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/ebling.library.wisc.edu\/corpus-callosum\/?p=2960"},"modified":"2024-09-04T21:05:00","modified_gmt":"2024-09-04T21:05:00","slug":"the-juggle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ebling.library.wisc.edu\/corpus-callosum\/the-juggle\/","title":{"rendered":"The Juggle"},"content":{"rendered":"

Bryce Lakin<\/em>
\nSchool of Medicine and Public Health<\/em>
\n2023<\/em>
\nPoem<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The juggle
\nI feel it coming closely
\nThe juggle
\nPerforming for the stage<\/p>\n

Tossing problems from one hand to the other
\nWatching them float in an arc
\nNever gone
\nJust not in my hand at the moment<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not a good juggler
\nI only have the coordination for two balls to throw
\nSometimes only one
\nLet alone pins, flaming knives or even snow cones<\/p>\n

There\u2019s a lot of things that are being tossed into my hands
\nBowling balls and glass phones
\nBurnout and anxiety
\nResponsibility and far falls<\/p>\n

It feels like too much at once
\nBut I don\u2019t know how to stop
\nTap the breaks
\nI don\u2019t even know where to find that one
\nI have such a fear that my worth is tied to my performance
\nI want to do everything perfectly
\nBut I don\u2019t think I can
\nI don\u2019t want to crash the car<\/p>\n

Please make it stop
\nSlow down a bit until I feel more comfortable
\nIt\u2019s like that feeling of when you first learn how to drive a car
\nIt\u2019s dangerous and terrifying<\/p>\n

If something goes wrong
\nAnd the car stops working
\nThere\u2019s nothing that I can do to save myself
\nAll that could stop me is a wooden telephone pole<\/p>\n

Do you see what I fear?
\nI keep going and if I drop the balls
\nThey would begin to fall
\nWell, clearly the end is near<\/p>\n

The shame of the drop would wreck me completely
\nI\u2019m not dealing with plushies anymore
\nThese are flaming knives
\nThey could cut apart my life leaving me scarred<\/p>\n

I have to be careful
\nBut the amount of safety desired is NOT WHAT I CAN PROVIDE
\nI DON\u2019T HAVE THE ENERGY TO CAREFULLY HOLD A KNIFE AS I PRETEND TO TOSS IT UP AND CATCH IT ON THE OTHER SIDE
\nA DAYDREAM WOULD BE TO CARRY AND SPIN THE KNIFE IN MY HAND AND CAREFULLY PLACE IT IN MY OTHER WITHOUT A DROP OF BLOOD EXITING MY HANDS<\/p>\n

SWEAT DRIPS PROFUSELY
\nWHY IS SWEAT SO MUCH LESS VALUABLE THAN BLOOD?<\/span>
\nMY PORES POUR OUT THE HEAVENLY RESOURCE I NEED TO KEEP ME ALIVE
\nWATER LEAVES FROM EVERY CELL BEFORE I WOULD RATHER DROP A SINGLE KNIFE<\/p>\n

IT\u2019S KILLING\u00a0 ME;
\nTHE DEHYDRATION.
\nI CAN\u2019T DRINK FAST ENOUGH.
\nNO WONDER I\u2019M ALWAYS SO TIRED.<\/p>\n

MY CONSUMPTION RATE IS TOO HIGH
\nAND IF I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME CONSUMING,
\nTHEN I\u2019LL DROP ALL THE KNIVES
\nIT\u2019S A LOSE LOSE SITUATION
\nI love would you rathers
\nHypotheticals reign supreme in my mind
\nWhat would you do,
\nIf you were pouring out your vitality through your pores, but it’s in exchange for keeping the blood that keeps your muscles moving?<\/p>\n

I\u2019M BLEEDING TOO
\nTHIS LITTLE WATER LEADS TO MISTAKES
\nMY HANDS ARE TIRED
\nAND MY BRAIN IS IN PAIN<\/p>\n

IT DOESN\u2019T SEEM TO MATTER WHAT I DO
\nI END UP BLEEDING JUST THE SAME
\nEXCEPT NOW I\u2019M EXHAUSTED
\nAND I\u2019M OUT OF THE RESOURCES I NEED TO KEEP THE JUGGLING GOING<\/p>\n

Maybe that\u2019s the point?
\nMaybe the lesson is that it\u2019s ok to take a break
\nIt\u2019s ok to drop the knives
\nYou are NOT expected to be without mistakes.<\/span><\/p>\n

God I need You
\nPlease help me
\nPlease bring me through
\nHeal the parts of me that are exhausted and let them know how much love they have in You<\/p>\n

Part of me wants to put down the knives indefinitely
\n\u201cWhat\u2019s the point?\u201d he cries
\n\u201cWhy hurt ourselves at all if we all eventually die?
\nPut down the knives and jump towards the end.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe train tracks look awful quick today
\nThat building is only a step away
\nThe fall looks easy
\nDo you think the cars would stop in time if you ran out without hesitation?\u201d<\/p>\n

He wants me to die
\nAnd I don\u2019t know why
\nI wish that I could speak to him
\nAnd tell him why he is so important to me<\/p>\n

That when he speaks I can tell he\u2019s hurting
\nThat the longest days are long
\nThat his pain is hurting the other parts of me
\nThat he is valuable beyond the items that he holds in his arms<\/p>\n

That it doesn\u2019t matter what he juggles
\nThat he can still see me supporting who he is in every show
\nThat if he drops a glass phone
\nHe will be ok<\/p>\n

And that any tears he cries
\nWill be wiped away in due time
\nBecause I love him so much
\nAnd I want him to know that he is mine<\/p>\n

Every inch
\nEvery \u201cflaw\u201d
\nEvery callous
\nEvery scar
\nEvery shame
\nEvery fall
\nEvery regret
\nEvery lowered head<\/p>\n

Is held gently when he cries
\nWhen he stands tall too
\nI am here to support you
\nThrough black and blue<\/p>\n

You are human
\nI am too
\nDespite everything you fear
\nI want to hold you so much more than just dear<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Bryce Lakin School of Medicine and Public Health 2023 Poem   The juggle I feel it coming closely The juggle Performing for the stage Tossing problems from one hand to the other Watching them float in an arc Never gone Just not in my hand at the moment I\u2019m not a good juggler I only… <\/p>\n

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